Twenty four hours in bed. That has been my dream for years now. Thanks to a ductectomy all my dreams came true. But turns out it wasn’t exactly what I thought it would be.

February has been rough for a lot of reasons. We have all shared a cold/influenza A/ear infection. We’ve had 11 doctors appointments between us, and been to the pharmacy about 8 times. The kids have missed so much school. And when they have been healthy enough to attend school there has been disruptive behavior and lots of conversation with a teacher. It’s been a long and weary month. And there has been fear.

Fear of little things becoming bigger things. Fear of suffering and not being able to fix the problems.

A duct in my right breast has been dilated and leaking for over a year. No big deal. It could be something but it’s probably nothing. So for months we watched it with ultra sounds and then an MRI which was negative. Then to be safe they did a fine needle aspiration, just to test. There were a couple questionable cells so to be safe they wanted removed the whole duct.

Up to this point it had just been annoying, not scary, but now things were getting real. And now the fears that had lived at the back of my mind started to visit my conscious thoughts more often.

I have found the best way to battle my fears is not to try to ignore them, but to invite them in for a chat and introduce them to someone else. To go as far as I can with my “what if” thoughts and then surrender them to Jesus. So that’s what I did, or at least tried to do.

What am I afraid of? The pain of surgery, sure, but I’ve had four before and love a good anesthesia nap. I can deal with the pain and recovery and praise God for meds.

What’s the worst that can happen?

Scenario 1. I die in surgery and Gunnar is left wifeless with four kids 3-8. But good news, I’m with Jesus and not my problem. Gunn is a great guy, an amazing one actually, he can find a suitable replacement, but for the love make sure she understands trauma and adoption because she’s getting 4, bless her soul.

Scenario 2. I have cancer and have to live with/fight that. More terrifying than 1. but also, I have seen some amazing battles that have been used for God’s glory (here’s looking at you Amy Pike and Cory Dias). I have also watched people fight and still die and it’s the suffering that scares me most. But also that then turns back into scenario 1 and again, not my problem.

Now obviously I use humor to deflect the heaviness of the fear. But I really did try to have these honest conversations with myself and God and then give them to Him because He’s the only one who can really do anything with my heart and mind. Honestly, where else do I have to go?

I love that He speaks to me regularly through the Bible. That when I cry out to Him He is alive and able to respond.

Surgery was on February 14 at noon. I cried most of the 24 hours leading up to it….

“If any thing happens, tell the kids I love them and I’m proud of them.”

“Remind them that I’m with Jesus and so happy to be in heaven!”

“I love you and you are the best husband I could have ever asked for!”

I am nothing if not dramatic! Bless Gunnar for not being overwhelmed by me or any and all of this! He really is the best at keeping calm and carrying on. His heart is securely set on God and I am so thankful for him!

I came out of surgery like an hour later, thanking God for an amazing nap and headed home once they released me. I slept, drank, snacked, played on my phone, napped, and had almost 48 hours off parenting and it was mostly great. But it was also boring. I had a book that was not intriguing me. I was bored with my phone and kind of ready to join the real world again, only we were in the middle of family sickness 2020 and I felt trapped. And then my mind had time to wander. Scenario 1 was gone and now I had time to think of scenario 2.

I wish I would have read my Bible more. Instead I started and didn’t finish 3 different Netflix duds. But when I finally got back in the groove Jesus met me again!

I’ve been reading a Psalm a night and last week Psalm 54 blessed my heart!

“Behold, God is my helper; the Lord is the upholder of my life.” Psalm 54:4

Just remembering this helped ease my fears. No matter what we face He is my helper and upholds my life!

“With a free will offering I will sacrifice to you; I will give thanks to your name, O Lord, for it is good. For He has delivered me from every trouble, and my eye has looked on triumph on my enemies.” Psalm 54:6-7

I don’t usually have physical, people enemies, I get along pretty well with people. But I do have enemies, spiritual and mental ones. Fear being the biggest. This passages reminded me that God has been ever faithful to me and that the best way for me to fight is to be thankful. To remember all the ways He has been faithful and to thank Him. And to offer a sacrifice of thanks now even before I get what I want or what I’m afraid of.

Thank you Lord for a husband that loves me in sickness and in health, for better or worse, in richer and poorer, in sane and crazy and everything in between.

Thank you God for these 4 precious kids who make me crazy and who teach me so much about my own heart and need for Jesus! God bless them!

Thank you Jesus for friends who dropped off meals and snacks and watched kids and gave rides and made sure we were well.

Thank you God for my mom who puts her life on hold to stay with us for a couple of days and take care of us all!

Thank you Lord for life, as long or as short, as healthy or as challenging as it may be.

Thank you God for truth to hold on to when fears threaten to overwhelm me. I know none of us are promised long, healthy lives. Each day is a gift and I want to live it that way.

We had my follow up appointment yesterday. What a relief to hear that everything looks fine, there was just a lot of inflammation but no cancer in the duct.

Praise be to God, the one who upholds my life!